Have you heard that saying “ food for thought” meaning something to be considered more thoroughly. Here’s a phrase — language nutrition. An Early Childhood Research Quarterly study reported that, “Evidence suggests that children need “language nutrition”, or language-rich interactions with caregivers, for optimal language and cognitive development.” Yes, this certainly has been the focus of the previous TALKING Time Posts. Furthermore, the next three sections– MUSIC Time, READING Time and PLAY Time for toddlers expands on early literacy and language development. However, as one always knows there are hidden specials not offered on a menu. It depends on the chef’s mood and his interpretation of the available food supplies and the want of the diners. Surprises are served up on a regular basis!

Well, what’s hidden from view in a toddler’s menu and is now busting out to be part of their “language nutrition”? AND is ready to be shared in an instant? It’s their emotions and feelings bubbling up, a ready-made brew. A growing toddler is not only having a desire to express their wants and needs in words but sharing their emotions and feelings now is a goal too. The correct vocabulary is not yet readily available for their use causing a challenge to arise—what to do when an upsetting emotion arises. What may transpire is a tantrum or meltdown. It may be that a parent notices some prior warning signs—like the loud sirens preparing people for a tsunami or it shoots out of nowhere like a bolt of lighting. Truth be told toddlers are impacted by sensations that are hard for them to understand and must be released. Presto, their hidden emotional language is struggling to be known!

Toddlers express temper tantrums using various modes, it’s part of developing communication skills. Yep, it’s a way to use both verbal and non-verbal skills to definitely get ones’ attention. They may be making a non-verbal statement with their tantrum that means—I want to be heard now! I have a voice in the matter! I can do it all by myself! There are numerous reasons for their tantrum actions some are listed below.

Some children may only apply this tantruming skill occasionally, while others use it more frequently and some choose a different emotional release. Learning about ones’ emotions and feelings are all part of early childhood. Toddlers are realizing that a parent’s emotions are not the same as theirs— individuality is emerging. Good news is that the majority of temper tantrums usually tend to disappear or become less frequent as a child obtains a larger vocabulary. Between the age of three and four, they are more able to explain what’s causing the upset and what they’re feeling.

Curious about the difference between emotions and feelings??? These words actually do have different meanings. Emotions come first within ones’ body, bringing chemical and biological sensations. A  body may react differently while their neurons are firing away, such as, rapid heartbeat, redden cheeks, tighten of muscles. Feelings are conscious experiences, thoughts and interpretations that follow ones’ emotions. There is a range of feelings that one may express. Oh, my!

Toddlers Being Toddlers

The photos above show some of the many ways toddlers release their emotional upsets: multiple actions=flat out on the floor, all over movements=clenched hands and squashed face, upper body displays=crossed-arms with a pout face and loud booming cries or screams. Oh, these are some top favorites—but there’s so many more ways for toddlers to demonstrate — I want, I don’t want, I won’t do it, I want to do it now, I have to have it now and I’m done –-and—and–and–and! Communicators are sending their messages out to one and all. That’s for sure!

What does one do when this type of toddler emotional communication pops up? Short answer—
it all depends! Here’s a few things to consider: Where’s it happening—at home or in public? Who is available to help if need arises? Is this a big battle for power or a small conflict that can be deflected? Is it a regular reappearing challenge? What are the safety concerns to consider? There are a variety of ways to help a toddler before, during and after their outbursts. Some may work all the time, some may work part of the time and others may not work at all. It’s a continual learning experience for all involved!

Here are a few suggestions which may help with those emotional tantrum communicators.

Parent Actions

****Parents are challenged with staying calm and not taking it personally as a tantrum is erupting right before their eyes. When a toddler goes into a tantrum mode its best not to get pulled into an emotional tug a war. Two upset people will not help any situation. Switching places with another parent during a long tantrum can be helpful for all involved. This allows for one parent to get a break away from the situation for a short bit.

****Previously designed positive time out place or a calming space for the toddler is recommended A toddler may be directed to go to their calming spot before, during or after the tantrum. (Creating this space earlier together and sharing its use before the need arises is suggested. Items found there may include books, puppets,. pillows favorite stuffed animals and soft soothing music.)

****Super Models – parents may need to step away to disconnect and regroup–it’s OK for a parent to take a time out too! Keeping the toddler in full view and reinforcing the good choices they are starting to make in their calming spot provides a secure and deeper personal connection.

****Remember a toddler needs repetitive reassurances that they are loved but not their behavior. Hugging may be used at anytime to offer comfort. One may need to ask if they’re ready for a hug if it’s been a long very upsetting tantrum. Observe them doing something that deserves positive praise as soon as possible and give it to them. It lets them know they’re still loved and that ones’ love for them hasn’t changed due to the tantrum.

***Setting limits and boundaries are important for a toddler. If one has said “NO, you may not have that toy now.” Keep your word—if one changes their mind or tries to negotiate– they’ve learned that this behavior gets the item of their choice and reinforces the idea to do it over and over again. – (Their motto—if it works I’ll keep doing it!)

****Daily routines help since becoming hungry and tired are at the top of a list for toddler upsets.

****Always keep in mind their safety, if things need to be moved away so no harm comes to them or others, do it. If in public, try to remove them to a less stressful place since the “all eyes on me” may contribute to making matters worse. (Public upsets are always hard—for everyone!)

****When it’s time to go to the store tell them this shopping trip is for_____ and nothing else.
Remind them the rules that were previously set—what occurs later ???(stay up 20 minutes longer, an extra book read to them or ???) Expectations for their behavior need to be clearly stated to them before the trip. Some children will test your commitment by throwing a tantrum at the store, follow through with each positive consequence or negative consequences (going to bed earlier etc. if needed).

****If their tantrum is a repeat show—for example: trying to be in control of a bedtime schedule again. Watch for the signs of upset—may start going into the full non-budging pouting mode. Parent responds “I see that you are unhappy about not getting to stay up past your bedtime. I know that you are unhappy about this but acting out this way is not acceptable behavior” Validation of their upset will go along way to helping a toddler understand their  feelings are acknowledged and valued. Acknowledging does not mean accepting how those feelings were expressed/displayed. Or a parent could say these additional words in a calming tone, “I love you but not this behavior. This behavior is telling me that you might need to go to bed earlier tomorrow. Is that what you want?” Their thoughts are shifted to the next day and provides something for them to think about now.

***One role a parent has is to verbalize to them that everyone has emotions & feelings. Parents do too. As a Super Model share your upset feelings. For example: “I’m unhappy that our dog made a big mess for me to clean up.” Sharing the word “unhappy” helps to label an emotion and leads the way to connecting words to express upsets. (There are cards designed to help a toddler share how they’re feeling. These cards have visual expressions and words. After much practice– a toddler may point to the matching card that best represents their feeling. Start slow with first cards being happy, unhappy (sad), mad. These cards can be homemade or bought.)

Toddler Choices

****Making decisions is becoming more important to a toddler, it’s a way for them to have a say about things in their life. Whenever possible let them have a choice between two or three things.

Getting Dressed–let them select which shirt they would like to wear from a choice of two or three. Remember the shirts have been pre-selected by a parent so whichever one they select is just fine for the day.

Bedtime Activities-selecting the order of “must dos”. Example: Brush your teeth first, then hear a story Or hear the story, then brush your teeth. Both need to be done, the order to be done is now their choice.

There always is an end in sight during a volcanic eruption, the lava flow does eventually settle down. Temper tantrums may last from 5 to 15++++ minutes—it will recede, and love will once again rise to the surface.

Toddlers are go-getters who always need a tremendous amount of loving and understanding. Why am I emphasizing this?? Because emotions and feelings are specials that are left off the language nutrition menu and hidden until announced. One can not always recognize when these dynamic special delights are about to take place. Hints may be provided or NOT! There might be loud boisterous cries spilling out over wanting their one of a kind purple cup –which is no where to be found! (translation-I have to have IT NOW!). OR a new toy that just won’t work correctly right now, creating frustration that bubbles up and out!. Plopping down their body flat down on the floor accompanied by roaring shouts and kicks as their reaction unfolds (translation-It won’t do what I want!).The right answer to their upsets is? Again, it must be said that there’s not just one magical solution that can be applied in every single situation, it’s not a one size fits all, individuality is flourishing! However, as the days turn to weeks one finds out more about their own child and what works well for them in SOME of the situations. Talk to other parents, read and watch YouTube videos to get more ideas and SUPPORT!

The non-verbal and verbal communications between a toddler and their parents are building blocks for emotional “nutritional language”. Parents providing supportive interactions and deep love connections assist their toddlers in understanding who they are becoming, and how to begin  managing their own internal emotional world.

What’s exciting news is that toddlers are continuing to develop and expand other emotional/ social expressions on a more regular basis: for example: embarrassment, guilt, pride,: empathy, comfort, excitement, love and happiness. Also, since a toddler has increased their vocabulary and their communication skills over the last two years, they’re now more capable at describing how they feel. The need to have an abundance of tantrums disappears. YAY!

Every parent is part of a guiding support system, a safety net during a toddlers’ emotional time. Parents do have a difficult job, and tantrums are certainly at the top of their challenge list. It might seem like one is the captain of a ship with daily mutinies, that’s for sure. Please know your consistent patience and love is heart felt by your toddler.

Happy days to you,

Kylene

Resources & References

Amen, Daniel G., MD, Fay, Charles, PHD, (2024), Raising Mentally Strong Kids, Published by Tyndale

Mayo Clinic Healthy Lifestyle-Infant and toddler health, (2022), Temper tantrums in toddlers: How to keep the peace, https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/tantrum/art-20047845

McLearen, Paula, (2024), The TRUTH About 2-Year-Old Tantrums: Everything Parents NEED To Know, https://youtu.be/VVczgAeWdfw?si=OIgKYv14LIeiJs1L

Raising Children, Australian Parenting website,(2024), Tantrums: why they happen and how to respond, https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/crying-tantrums/tantrums

Šimić G, Tkalčić M, Vukić V, Mulc D, Španić E, Šagud M, Olucha-Bordonau FE, Vukšić M, R Hof P., (2021), Understanding Emotions: Origins and Roles of the Amygdala, NIH National Library of Medicine https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8228195/